You’re not broken, just bent, and you will learn to love again.

“I can’t trust people anymore, cause of the way he hurt me”

I get it when you say that. I really do. Cause I’ve been there.

I know what it feels like to want to protect your heart.

You still open your arms for people, but this time not so wide.

You no longer feel excited about the prospect of meeting someone new. You just feel indifferent.

Yes, that’s the word.

Indifferent. Like it just doesn’t matter anymore.

The part of yourself that you were once able to give away so easily, is absent, and you can’t figure out why.

Sometimes you even wonder if it’ll be absent forever.

You feel like you’ve already given too much and now you’ve got nothing to offer.

It’s like spending all the money you had, on the first few stores that you saw on the way, and now you’re standing in front of an amazing store that has so much to offer, but you’ve run out of money.

And that sucks.

You wish you could go back.

You wish you had something left. Something. Anything.

But you’ve got nothing.

And you think that’s how it works with people.

But let me tell you something. You might not believe me right now, cause you’re in denial and your heart is hurting. But one day you will.

You need not be hopeless, cause you can never be irreparably broken.

Yes that’s right. You can’t.

You might feel like you’ve forgotten how to love another person properly,

but the ability to love someone doesn’t just go away,

even if it’s a muscle you haven’t flexed in a while.

Remember when you thought the world of them?  Like you’d crumble if they ever left.

But you’re still standing, aren’t you?

And you made it through that.

If you always keep your heart guarded and your walls up, cause you’re scared of getting hurt again, people might not be able to hurt you,

But you know what?

They might not be able to love you either.

So let it go.

Love like you’ve been hurt. Cause in all honesty, we’ve all been hurt in love.

And we’ve all given ourselves another chance.

So don’t ever say that you’re broken. Cause broken things don’t work.

But you still do.

You’re not broken, just bent,

And you will learn to love again.

Maybe I’ll find the strength to leave tomorrow

 

“Please don’t leave me alone tonight”, he said

“I really need someone”.

So I caved.

I stayed, because how do you leave when you love someone so much?

I stayed but it made me wonder.

It always made me wonder when he said that.

“I really need someone”

But I’m tired, you know?

Tired of having to ask for your time, of having to fight for your attention.

“Do you really need me? Or do you just need someone?

There’s a difference.

And I almost told you that. Almost.

Things might have been so different if I did, but I couldn’t.

I had those words rehearsed over and over, in my car and then in front of the mirror. Words that are somehow supposed to tumble out of your mouth, tripping over each other just to get out, so you can finally get this thing over with.

But I mean, how do you say that to someone you’ve been in love with for so long?

I would have begged for a few more days with you. Just a few more days. But do you think that would have made it easy to leave?

Do you think anything would have made it easy for me to leave you?

You’re looking for convenience, I see that. You flutter in and out of this relationship emotionally, as it suits your needs. You don’t think about what you’re leaving me behind with.

“Can I make this okay? What did I do that made you this way?

 

“I’m happy for you”, I said.

That’s all I could say.

The phrase felt bitter against my tongue, like an aspirin chewed up before it is swallowed.  I have to mean it when I say that. I don’t say things that I don’t mean.

But how do you really tell yourself to be happy for them? Doesn’t it seem unfair?

God it seems so wrong.

I always tried so hard to make this work, but in that moment, I realized that I shouldn’t have to try this hard.

And in the end, it all comes down to the choices we make, isn’t it?

You made yours and I didn’t see it coming.

How could have I not seen it coming?

Please don’t leave. I really need someone”, he says for the last time.

And that’s all I recall.

So I fall asleep on the kitchen floor, while he’s sleeping peacefully in the next room,

thinking that maybe,

Maybe I’ll find the strength to leave tomorrow.

We don’t commit anymore. We don’t really see the point.

We don’t commit anymore. We don’t really see the point.

We’ve defined intimacy by how comfortable we are, getting into bed with them. Effort to us means a “Goodnight’ text. We’ve stopped believing that romance exists.

Or maybe we’re just not doing it right anymore.

 

We are a generation that isn’t satisfied with what we have.

We want more. We always want more.

We’re bored easily and we crave variety.

Options, that’s the word. We want more options.

 

So even if we commit, we still have one eye that wanders, that is always on the lookout for other options, better and potential options.

We think having choice is a good thing. It makes us feel wanted, and we love that feeling, don’t we?

We don’t care about that person we have back home , cause they’re not going anywhere. They won’t ever leave us.

So we continue wandering, continue looking for that next fix, that next source of gratification.

We’ve lost the value of a real conversation. We don’t wanna get to know them. We don’t have the time.

We don’t ask them why they feel sad at 3 in the night, or where they got that scar from.

We run away from effort and then we wonder why our relationships don’t last.

We feel hopeless and say things like “Love doesn’t last forever”.

We don’t even know what forever means anymore.

 

And that’s why we break up. Cause in our words, “It isn’t working out anymore. The spark is gone”

What the fuck do you mean it’s not working out?

Tell me again how hard you tried.

 

But we still do it. Cause there’s so many people out there we haven’t met yet. We can’t settle. Hell no. Settling isn’t cool.

So we pull our phones out and install Tinder once again, cause an app that uses GPS to help you find your perfect match is bound to work, isn’t it?

We swipe, swipe and swipe a bit more each time till we find our “perfect match”.

 

And that’s how we date now.

We don’t commit anymore. We don’t really see the point.

 

You’re searching for a love that feels familiar to what you lost

You can’t replace them.
I realized this a long time ago.
Cause they meant so much to you, and finding a replacement will always feel like a betrayal.
You can’t replace them.
You can only start over with someone else.

And when you start over, don’t build these notions in your head as to what it’s supposed to be like.
It’s not supposed to feel the same.
If what you felt before was supposed to last, it would have worked.
But it didn’t, right?

Trust me, I know what you’re feeling.

You’re searching for a familiar kind of intimacy.
You wanna be understood in that exact same way.
You’re searching for a love that feels familiar, something that’s similar to what you lost.
I understand that. I really do.

And you know what?
Love will come back to you, but it won’t be the same cause you’re with a different person now.
You will need to accept that, cause if you don’t, it won’t stop hurting.

So maybe one day it’ll all start to make sense.
I hope it does. I really do.
I know what confusion feels like. Trust me, I’ve been there.

But you need to start over. You’ve been sad for so long.
God I hope you have the courage to start over with someone else.
Cause you deserve it.
You, of all people I know, deserve that feeling once again,

 cause I know you think you’ve forgotten what that feels like.

Just a second-hand love

 

We’ve all got people we really care about. And it’s easy to make excuses for people when we care about them. It’s easy to overlook things we shouldn’t because we want everything to work out the way we planned.

It’s easy to ignore the red flags.

You feel like you sort of belong and I get that.

Trust me I’ve been there, it feels amazing.

But you’re so much more than someone who should just “sort-of” belong to someone.

You see what I’m saying?

You think that you need to try harder and then maybe one day they’ll see how wonderful you really are. You say things like “That’s just the way people are” everytime they do something that upsets you. Well you’re wrong and you only feel this way cause you haven’t been with the right people.

There are always going to be those people who keep you around because it’s convenient for them. They say one thing and mean something else. They give you false hopes.

They do that cause it’s comforting to have you within an arm’s reach.

They don’t love you. They certainly don’t.

They just love the fact that you’re there for them.

And you stay, you always stay, cause for you, they’re the first choice.

But for them, you’re only a safety net.

And I know this is hard for you to hear, but they seek comfort. There’s comfort in knowing that you’ll be there for them after all is said and done.

But that’s not fair to you, is it?

You don’t deserve someone who thinks of you as the next best possible option. Your heart is not a consolation prize.

You deserve more than that. You really do.

They’re not wrong people. No.

They’re just not right for you.

So you let them go.

And remember that once you do that, they’ll still feel like an anchor. But you need to stop wasting your time thinking about their weight tied to your ankle now, because if you lift your head even a little bit, you’ll see that there are way too many beautiful things to see above the water. 

So don’t settle for someone because you think it’s convenient or cause they’ve been there all along.

You deserve so much more than their second-hand love.

Love is too beautiful to be hidden in the closet.

You want them to know,
You want them to see,
But you’re scared of how it’s gonna be.
And that’s the thing about this world we live in,
You can’t be who you really are,
cause being yourself is now a sin.

You want to hold hands,
You want them to walk along
But people will stare
And oh they’ll think it’s wrong.

So you just stay the way you are,
And you die a little inside,
Every time they get close to you on the street,
You flinch as if it isn’t right.

But love is love and you fight for it to stay,
It’ll always be hard but you need to find a way,
So just show them who you are,
You’ve been hiding for so long
It’s time to be proud,
It’s time to be strong.

You owe it to yourself
You’ve got a life to live
And as long as you’re happy,
Does it matter who you fall in love with?

_____________________________________________

P.S. 

I’ve been meaning to write this for quite some time now. Every time an issue concerning the LGBT community comes into the limelight, I’ve seen people read the news for 10 seconds and then change their profile pictures to show their support for the LGBT community, or put up statuses like “Equality for all” or “Love wins” cause they think that’s gonna make a difference.

Well, the next time you’re tempted to take that step, wait for a minute and think about this.

10 years from now, if your kid walks up to you and somehow musters the courage to tell you that he’s gay, are you gonna put an arm around him and smile?

Are you gonna tell him that it’s okay cause it doesn’t matter who you fall in love with, as long as you’re happy?

Are you really gonna be okay with him being different?

And if that’s a no, you need to stop telling the world that you support “equality for all”, cause let’s be real, you don’t.”

But if that’s a yes, go ahead. Tell the world, take part in parades, change your profile pictures. Do it all.

And if one day your kid walks up to you and tells you that he’s different, make sure you smile and say

“I’m there for you.

You’ll be okay”

An object of desire

We wanna be loved. We don’t wanna just be desired.
Don’t get me wrong, being desired is a wonderful feeling. It feels great.
That attention, that sexuality makes us feel powerful.
But it doesn’t last long, you know?
Soon it ends and we’re just left feeling emptier afterwards.
Cause we wanna be loved.
We don’t just wanna be desired.

We’re all hungry for attention and so we let that desire drive us crazy.
We let it define that little bit of happiness.
We don’t stop it cause it’s happening and in that moment, it’s all we want.
That treacherous wanting, the maddening, frantic kind of desire that takes over our entire being.
A moment where there is no shyness, only vulnerability.
But it ends soon cause it’s desire.
And that’s not what we want.
We wanna be loved.
We don’t wanna just be desired.

Passion.
Yes I see a lot of passion.
It’s exciting. It’s aggressive. It’s comforting.
It has a newness factor attached to it
But desire is not love.
Lust is not love.
Hell, in many cases even passion is not love.

Desire has to end. That’s why it’s exciting.
It’s all about being in the moment.
But it can never be close to that feeling we crave for.
The feeling of being loved.
Cause that’s what we want.
We wanna be loved.
We don’t wanna just be desired.